mum said...

mum said... are you crazy? why you cut yourself?
I want to say... maybe, to release stress...

mum said... after you cut yourself, what did you get?
I want to say... nothing!...
But instead I said... I feel better after cutting...

mum said... after you cut yourself, your problems still haven't solved!
I want to say... I still feel better!
But instead I said... Yes, I agree with you...

mum said... and you get hurt also! you feel pain!!
I want to say... I don't care, I like it!
But instead I said... Yes, it does feel pain...

mum said... I carry you in my tummy for 10 months, give birth to you, now you big already you hurt yourself like that!?
I want to say... I'm sorry...
But instead ... I said nothing...

mum said... I might as well cut off your arms and legs myself!
I want to say... I'm so sorry...
But instead... I said nothing...

mum said... don't put too much feelings in to him...
I want to say... I already put all my feelings in to him... I love him
But instead... I said nothing...

I told her how do I feel, how I treated him, how I helped him, how I love him, what he promised me, how he hurt me... I told mum almost everything....
But mum said... don't put too much feelings in to him !!! most probably he will .......................... change..........

My friend said we are so cute when we are together...
I want to say... I think I don't match for him.. he deserved a better girl than me...
But instead I said... Really? I think he is the one who is cute, not me... and I love him very much !

His friend said he is a nice boy... very good... I made a good choice...
I want to say... I still think I don't match for him...
But instead..... I forgot what I said.... =.=

I remembered the times he holding my hand.... I feel safe..... when I cry, I use the same hand that he hold to wipe the tears...

I remembered the times we standing so close together...

I tried to make his short and rough hair messy but I failed =(

I remembered his voice, his smile... he enjoying playing with his flute, violin....

Will he still be wearing that necklace...?

I'm writing this, while wondering why I keep crying at house..infront mum, infront of monitor, infront of my books, at school, infront all my classmates, friends, best friend...

I want to ...

Thanks to my friends for they tried everything to make me laugh back.... but I kept on crying....
I cry and I laugh... like a crazy person....

Thanks to my friends too for they care about me ... they almost become crazy when they saw the cuttings on my hand... they asked "Why? Look at me, tell me, why are you doing this?" but I kept on shaking my head...

Sorry to my friends for I din't tell them what made me cry, what had happened to me...

Din't chat with him today... maybe now he sleeping already ....
But instead... I chat with his friend...

ugh .. going to sleep...