End of 1 week Raya holiday

Today is the last day. Tomorrow/Later will have to go to school again...

And btw .. I hate him !! coz his face keep appearing in my mind !! I saw strawberry also think of him !! hate him coz i cry again !! arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr !!!!!!!!!!!

The funny thing is I still pray for him .. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz !

mum said...

mum said... are you crazy? why you cut yourself?
I want to say... maybe, to release stress...

mum said... after you cut yourself, what did you get?
I want to say... nothing!...
But instead I said... I feel better after cutting...

mum said... after you cut yourself, your problems still haven't solved!
I want to say... I still feel better!
But instead I said... Yes, I agree with you...

mum said... and you get hurt also! you feel pain!!
I want to say... I don't care, I like it!
But instead I said... Yes, it does feel pain...

mum said... I carry you in my tummy for 10 months, give birth to you, now you big already you hurt yourself like that!?
I want to say... I'm sorry...
But instead ... I said nothing...

mum said... I might as well cut off your arms and legs myself!
I want to say... I'm so sorry...
But instead... I said nothing...

mum said... don't put too much feelings in to him...
I want to say... I already put all my feelings in to him... I love him
But instead... I said nothing...

I told her how do I feel, how I treated him, how I helped him, how I love him, what he promised me, how he hurt me... I told mum almost everything....
But mum said... don't put too much feelings in to him !!! most probably he will .......................... change..........

My friend said we are so cute when we are together...
I want to say... I think I don't match for him.. he deserved a better girl than me...
But instead I said... Really? I think he is the one who is cute, not me... and I love him very much !

His friend said he is a nice boy... very good... I made a good choice...
I want to say... I still think I don't match for him...
But instead..... I forgot what I said.... =.=

I remembered the times he holding my hand.... I feel safe..... when I cry, I use the same hand that he hold to wipe the tears...

I remembered the times we standing so close together...

I tried to make his short and rough hair messy but I failed =(

I remembered his voice, his smile... he enjoying playing with his flute, violin....

Will he still be wearing that necklace...?

I'm writing this, while wondering why I keep crying at house..infront mum, infront of monitor, infront of my books, at school, infront all my classmates, friends, best friend...

I want to ...

Thanks to my friends for they tried everything to make me laugh back.... but I kept on crying....
I cry and I laugh... like a crazy person....

Thanks to my friends too for they care about me ... they almost become crazy when they saw the cuttings on my hand... they asked "Why? Look at me, tell me, why are you doing this?" but I kept on shaking my head...

Sorry to my friends for I din't tell them what made me cry, what had happened to me...

Din't chat with him today... maybe now he sleeping already ....
But instead... I chat with his friend...

ugh .. going to sleep...

Meaningful?

*忧伤的童话*

也许爱情是一部忧伤的童话
惟其遥远与真实
惟其不可触摸与欠缺
方可成就起璀璨与神圣
放弃一个很爱你的人，并不痛苦
放弃一个你很爱的人，那才痛苦
爱上一个不爱你的人，那更痛苦
若是有缘，
时间，空间都不是问题
若是无缘，
终是相聚也是无法会意
凡是不必太在意，更不需去强求
就让一切随缘吧。。。。。。
逃避，不一定逃得过
面对，不一定最难过
孤单，不一定不快乐
得到，不一定能长久
失去，不一定不再拥有
也许因为某个原因让自己伤心难过
但你却能找个理由让自己快乐
相爱无非是要快乐
两个人不能快乐，不如一个人快乐
两个人痛苦，不如成全另一个人快乐
爱，是一种感受，即使痛苦也会觉得幸福
爱，是一种体会，即使心碎也会觉得甜蜜
爱，是一种经历，即使破碎也会觉得美丽
有些失去的注定的，
有些缘分是永远不会有结果的
爱一个人不一定要拥有。。。。。。
爱一个人不孤单，想一个人才孤单
静静的想念，孤独的享受
放开天上的云朵，抛开遗留的誓言
虽然遗憾，但是不会痛
爱一个人，失去了，就会留下一个伤口
永远都有隐隐作痛
不要因为寂寞而错爱；不要因为错爱而寂寞。。。

Morning, 28th day of July, Monday

Last night forced myself to act like nothing has happened... I guess he doesn't know how I feel.
Everything are still like just happened few seconds ago ... Saturday, Sunday... Last night sleeping on a wet pillow ... dream of him.... Guess what? in that dream, he walking away with the one he love, not me... he dump me away .. and said something horrible to me.. " I don't love you ! It's a lie!" It was indeed a "sweet dreams" .....

27th day of July, Sunday

Yesterday, hugging my teddy bear.. crying. 1 bread for breakfast, cold orange juice for lunch.. coughing.. air for dinner, being forced to drink hot chocolate for supper, because im shivering..
Everybody feel bad because they cant eat, hungry. I feel good and happy because not eating .. Today woke up at 10 something... feeling like crap! No breakfast... After shower, get dressed, went to church...

Sitting inside such beautiful and comfortable church, listening to choir singing, pastor talking ... my shallow eye.. full of tears.. makes my vision blurry.. suddenly, i can see everything clear again... it was, my tears flow out.. drop by drop...... uncontrolable. I have to wipe them secretly, silently..... I tried to look upwards but it didn't work.. at all... I don't know why.......

Went to violin class at 4:30pm. Same time with him .. I'm happy to see him, but in the mean time, I'm feel kind of sad, angry... I din't talk to him.. din't look at him in the eyes .. When he is leaving, I actually don't want him to leave.... but .. what to do.. Maybe he got other things to do, so .. I let him go .. Watching him walking away with tons of books and his new violin...

Since he is so worried .. i will act to be strong in front of him... keep all things inside, so he will be less worrying .......

no mood #1

no mood at all at school. now hands shaking like phone ringing in silent mode.. suddenly wanna cry. felt so pressure ...

Friday, 18 July 2008

Today.. so tired... Came back from school, take off shoes, put down bag, shower, lunch, doing homework, fell asleep.

When wake up already 8 something. Shower again, dinner, sleep again .......... Although I missed him all day long, but my lazy eyes keep closing .. I wake up again , this time almost 11. He sent me a sms, saying he going to sleep already..... Oh well.. there's always tomorrow..